I'm sitting criss cross applesauce on a hotel bed,
facing a mirror that is hanging on the wall.
If I look up, I can see my reflection.
It's rather disturbing what I see and feel.
It's such a confusing, jumbled mess of bullshit.
How can I look at my reflection and see so much hope,
and yet feel so hopeless?
How can I feel like love has filled me up,
yet I feel completely depleted and empty inside?
I'm drowning in guilt.... in shame.... in sadness.....
How can I feel like such a good person, yet like I deserve nothing more that the pain that has slowly eaten me alive?
I look at my reflection and wonder if there is any point at which I can return to feeling happy again.....
I think I know happy.....
.... I think.
Actually, I have no fucking clue what my happiness looks like.
I don't think I'd recognize it if I were walking down the street and bumped right into it...
No.
I don't think I would.
Perhaps I'd squint my eyes for a moment, pardon myself for bumping into it, and turn around once more as we both walked in opposite directions, while left with that lingering feeling that I recognize it from somewhere....
But, alas, I just can't figure it out.
So, onward I continue....
Hands in my pockets,
Feeling unsettled....
I can SEE all this beauty around me,
but all I can FEEL are the thoughts and emotions that consume me.
They loop
over and over again.
Replaying in every different way imaginable.
My entire being
is filled to the brim
with words and thoughts and feelings and emotions;
and they all just want to come pouring out at once....
It's like a traffic jam
in my throat....
It's a clusterfuck
in my mind....
It's a fucking rollercoaster
in my heart....
and all this fucking chaos,
going on at the exact same time
is
SO.
FUCKING.
OVERWHELMING.
it is
SO.
FUCKING.
PAINFUL.
it is
SO.
FUCKING.
UNBEARABLE.
At what point to you give up?
At what point to you give in?
Everyone tells everyone else that they aren't alone.
Everyone tells everyone else to ask for help when they need it.
IF they need it.
I've said that to so many people myself.
"You aren't alone. I'm here if you need anything."
And when you say those words, you even believe them yourself
until someone actually needs help....
Because it's not the kind of help that you ask for
when you need help moving a piece of furniture.
It's not the kind of help you need
to reach an object on the top shelf.
It's not the kind of help you need
that will only take a minute....
No.
It's so much more than that....
It's an ongoing need....
One that makes you feel dependent,
when all you want is to be INdependent....
It's an ongoing need.....
That involves multiple phone calls.
over several days.
sometimes many empty days of no contact at all, in between days with no breaks or breaths taken....
It's an ongoing need....
with multiple shifts of the moods....
some days with laughs, and lots with tears....
some with hope, and most with fears....
So much so,
you want someone to understand that YOU yourself KNOW this isn't your purpose....
Your soul,
your purpose,
is so much greater than this weak moment.
but this weak moment doesn't feel like just a moment.
It fucking feels like a runonfuckingsentencewithouttakingafuckingbreath.
It feels like the elephant on your chest when you take your first hot yoga class and you lie there on the floor,
your eyes closed,
counting to ten as you breathe in.
and then to ten again as you breathe out....
hoping that your chest will rise just
one.
more.
time.
The shitty fucking part
is when you're aware of this toll that you are taking on someone else's peace....
Even if you aren't STEALING their peace,
you certainly know you are disrupting it.
It's an interruption.
a distraction.
You know this, because you are easily distracted yourself.
I know I don't ever feel like telling someone I don't have time for them.
I have often THOUGHT that "this timing might be poor" when my phone lights up with a call or sometimes a name....
But even quicker than that, the thought comes up that, "what if I don't take this call and this person REALLY needed someone, right now?"
What if death has a tight hold of them right now and they need someone to just reach out a hand,
someone to pick them back up and bring them into the present moment,
or just to see that even one good thing still exists....?
-10.28.19
-10.28.19
