Unfinished Business. 06/20/20

I've been told about some memories,
some things she did to me.
There's so much pain inside of me,
not allowing me to breathe.

In my child eyes, she was perfect,
She was magic, she was clean.
But in my present eyes,
She's maleficent.
She is toxic.
She's obscene.

I hardly know myself right now,
I've just barely met my soul.
but that was once,
just years ago,
before I lost control.

Though it happens ever slowly,
one day you wake up from this sleep.
Your whole life of hurts consumed you,
Your broken heart, it weeps....

The Pattern 01.30.2020 - Magnetic & Captivating

Magnetic & Captivating

You're meant to embrace your charismatic, generous, and confident side.  You're learning you have many talents and skills.  Don't be afraid to express yourself - it's important to own your infectious, extroverted and exciting nature; these qualities can act as inspiration for others.

It's possible that you shy away from letting yourself shine.  If you're afraid to embrace your power, you could hide your talents and diminish yourself.  Or you might go in the opposite direction, because you're a beginner, and overdo it.  In that case, it can be difficult for you to see beyond your own interests; you could act entitled or seek attention in inauthentic ways.

Go Deeper.

Embracing your confidence and innate power is key to your liberation.

You're intended to find the courage to make your life up any way that you desire.  Your charismatic, extroverted side makes you a magnetic presence in any room; you have that special something that people are just drawn to.

Depending on your environment and life experience, you may or may not naturally follow this impulse.  You might relate to this part of yourself, or it might feel it's impossible and scary to even think you're this way.

But for you to feel truly authentic, aligned, and content with yourself, it's imperative that you have experiences as a leader and visionary.  You have creative talents and abilities that can inspire others; you just need to trust yourself above all else.  You're meant to move confidently through the world, despite potential objections from your friends, family, or culture.

Make a freedom a top priority and follow your dominant, outgoing impulses.  You don't have to second-guess yourself or compare yourself to others.  While you may have other insecurities, you're meant to discover radical self-love and acceptance.

Your capacity to love yourself unconditionally is your gift to others.  Embracing an optimistic, positive expression of yourself will inspire and encourage others to do the same.

You may have always felt that you were special and destined to do something significant.  In that case, thanks to your natural charisma, you often get what you want - others might even feel privileged to be the one indulging you.

It's possible you expect to receive a certain amount of attention, but never fail to deliver when you do - you're charming enough that you can get away with it.  It's okay to prioritize your own experience and be self-focused - instead of sitting back and waiting for permission, take action to achieve your goals.

You may already know this about yourself or you might feel cautious about stepping into your true power.  You may fear being judged as selfish for doing what you want instead of submitting to convention or being submissive.

If you've repressed your naturally dominant and powerful energy, you'll likely feel frustrated, depressed, and like something is missing.

Or you might feel pressure to tone things down and focus on practical matters, but even within those parameters, it's important to carve out time for your dreams.  It's worth pursuing your desires, even on the smallest scale.

Somewhere inside, you know that you want to be uninhibited and live vibrantly.  It's all about believing in yourself and following your creative vision.

It would be easy to give in to your fears.  Instead, quiet those voices and embrace your gifts.  Loving yourself unconditionally is not a selfish act - it's your right and your life's intention.

If you've embodied this part of yourself, make sure you've found balance and your intentions are pure.  You may have made the honest mistake of assuming you should always be the center of attention.  If you find yourself acting selfish or elitist, or your confidence turns into entitlement, then you're using your abilities in unhealthy ways.

Also make an effort to empathize and collaborate - if you ignore others' needs or opinions because you're so consumed with your own experience, you're wasting your potential.

Ultimately, all these choices are yours to make and these instructions are merely clues.  It's not necessarily the path of least resistance, but it's a possibility for what could be and for how you might feel truly fulfilled.

The Pattern 01.30.2020 - Intense or Anxious, Driven or Frustrated

My Pattern:

When you're struggling, you can be reckless, out of control, or wild.  You may provoke people, drawing out extreme reactions - or just not care what you bring out in them. Or instead, you may become phobic of leading, committing, or entering certain situations.

Go Deeper.

Intense of Anxious.

It feels like your strength and loyalty are continually being tested.

You know you're incredibly powerful and tenacious and have the capacity to really commit to a purpose.  But it may feel like when you do, your power is challenged and irrational circumstances inhibit your objectives.

This may have been especially true when you were younger, or you might still be struggling with this dynamic.  You might plan on a goal and work hard to achieve it, only to have something beyond your control take it from you.  This tests your resolves and sense of authority.

You might express yourself authentically as a forceful, protective leader, but you're met with forces that try to push you down.  It may seem unfair - that even taking honorable action still leads to trouble.

In response, you might feel weak and defeated, so you repress your instincts.  You might develop a fear of commitment that prevents you from taking action toward your goals, or you may become angry, acting out of frustration.

This energy could make you feel powerless to be who you truly are and get what you want.  You might feel alone, like no one understands.

It's possible people have no sense of this dominant side of your personality because you keep it hidden.  But repressing yourself can build resentment and anger, like you're a cauldron on the verge of boiling over.

Or the opposite might occur.  You could go to extremes by becoming outwardly aggressive, needing to show your strength and dominance in every situation.

You might be driven to attach yourself to a noble cause or purpose and stick with it at all costs.  You believe that once you put your mind to something, nobody can stop you.  But infuriatingly, the goals that seemed worthwhile don't always turn out to be what you thought they were.

You may take it personally and feel vulnerable, disrespected, or overwhelmed.  You could become incredibly reactive and defensive, unable to control your temper and having angry outbursts.  Your frustration could manifest as reckless behavior.

At times, it feels like you can't use the best skills you have or enjoy the kinds of experiences you think you should, so you might feel victimized.

You're unable to change or solve these situations, and they're immune to your will, strength, and logic.  Unable to understand why you're struggling, you may try to ignore these painful feelings, but you find that you can't.

This isn't personal and you haven't done anything wrong.  You're being made to feel your emotions intensely.  This energy is literally forcing you to surrender, and that's intentional.

By pushing you to question your instincts and pride, these trials are taking you deeper toward finding a mission and purpose that's truly right for you, and not one you cling to out of fear.

By having difficulty identifying with this part of yourself, or by being so reactive to it, you're being encouraged to lean on some of your other traits.

Don't let yourself get trapped in a cycle of trying to control what's naturally occurring or holding on to whom you thought you were.  If you resist, you'll continue to meet overwhelming situations.

When you're able to let go of any attachment to your usual ways of coping or how you define yourself, you'll find the answer coming from a different direction.

This pattern is forcing you to embrace other parts of yourself that are key to your growth and development, bringing you depth and complexity.

(You're a true warrior - someone who's able to handle chaos, extreme circumstances, and even others' fears.  You can be willing to take great risks for the thrill of it. You have the strength to go into dangerous, irrational zones and survive - even when the results are unpredictable.  

Alternatively, when you're struggling, you can be reckless, our of control or wild.  You may be insensitive to the feelings of those around you - or just not care what you bring out in them.  You can tick people off, drawing out extreme reactions from them.

Or instead, you may shut down because you're afraid of taking risks; you can become phobic of leading, committing or entering certain situations.

DRIVEN or FRUSTRATED

You're more driven and disciplined that most.  You're highly motivated, have the capacity to focus for long periods of time, and are very responsible.  You possess tremendous ambition and can seem unstoppable - you want to be the best and go further than anyone. 

Alternatively, when you're struggling, it can feel like there's nothing worth doing.  You can become so frustrated and angry by all the blocks to your ambition that you shut down.  You're prone to feeling depressed, like the burden is too heavy.  No matter how hard you try or how much you achieve, it often doesn't seem like enough to satisfy.

Go Deeper.

You know how to commit yourself and accomplish your goals, but often it doesn't feel like enough; there's a pressure to be better and do more.

Your pattern is often associated with people who are successful, but it could just as easily make you feel blocked from reaching your full potential.  Or when you do succeed, it might be hard for you to enjoy it no matter how hard you try.

You can push yourself harder than anyone, and might be highly successful and competitive - you think that if you achieve, you'll feel some relief from the pressure.

But even if you do everything right and check off your goals, it doesn't change the fact that you sense something is missing.  This energy may have been stronger when you were younger, or it might be something you still struggle with.

Or instead of reaching your objectives it can feel like your power is continually being diminished, despite your incredible strength and tenacity.  It's possible that when you plan and commit, you run into limitations that prevent you from getting off the ground, testing your resolve and sense of authority.

Perhaps you respond to this dynamic by feeling the need to prove yourself even more.  In reaction you might take on the most ambitious, competitive, high-profile projects because you know that once you put your mind to something, nobody can stop you.

You've likely spent much of your life searching for approval by striving for success, power, and status.  You may be motivated by feelings of insecuirty or the idea that you're lacking something.  At times, you may feel criticized and jedged by other people, but most of all by yourself, becoming your own worst critic.

Although you're just trying to show that you're a winner, you might come across as aggressive or insensitive.  If you persist and find ultimate success, the results of your commitments rarely seem to satisfy you - they aren't enough to fill the void.

When something goes wrong, your instinct is to fix it right away, without overanalyzing - or, sometimes, listening to others.  Although you're just trying to be decisive and successful, you might come across as stubborn and overly ambitious.

This dynamic can box you in and feel unfair.  You might be full of frustration because you can't accomplish your goals fast enough.

Or instead of feeling driven, you might respond to this pattern by feeling weak and defeated, hiding your strength and urge to excel.  It's possible people have no sense that you have a dominant and competitive side because it's so hidden - you might seem meek and timid.

You might feel insecure about this part of your personality.  Your self-judgment kicks in and says you'll never be taken seriously as a leader - you're not strong enough.

The message seems to be "stay back," because being in charge could get you in trouble or you could be exposed as not having what it takes.

If you've been blocked from achieving success, then you might feel resentful, depressed or anxious because you can't express yourself in the way you want.  It's like you're unable to use the best skills you have.

In response to feeling weak or defeated you could avoid commitment and stop taking action toward your goals.

Or you might discover that the very thing you've been committed to with all your heart, possibly for years, isn't even right for you.  You were doing it for someone else's benefit and it wasn't what you wanted for yourself.  Or your commitment was only to the commitment itself.

It's important for you to find a mission and purpose that's authentic for you and not have to prove yourself.  You have the innate capacity to accomplish anything you want, but it should be something you believe in.

You may feel depressed and like you're being punished, but you aren't doing anything wrong.  The intention of these barriers is to motivate you to evolve.

There's no logical connection between accomplishment and reward.  It doesn't matter how hard you work or how "good" you are. Being perfect won't release you from the pressure you feel.

The sooner you can let go of this concept, the easier it will be to deal with this energy and the less you'll be affected by it.  You're being broken of your need to overachieve or prove yourself.

This side of your personality may be very familiar to you.  It might reflect what you think others want from you and become a way for you to derive your value.

It could be your fallback or a default setting you turn to when you're in doubt.  You may even work harder at embodying these qualities, thinking that being the best will release you from the pressure you feel.

But the opposite - allowing these traits to define you could be at the root of your frustration of pain.  Try to let go of relying on this aspect and embrace the other parts of your personality.

Some of your characteristics may contradict one another, while there might be others you don't understand or even like.

Ultimately, these boundaries and limitations are forcing you to grow, change, evolve, and embody all of your complexities.